wild ride!!

That's what foster parenting can be.....a wild roller coaster! One you find it hard to not get back on again no matter how crazy it was!!

and for today...that's all I'm gonna say about that....

Happy 3rd B'day my beautiful angel girl!

a few days after your official 'birth' day

(5 to be exact...this is your first time to worship)

First Birthday

We didn't have much time to pull a celebration off (long story) and MaryKyle, John Mark and you had been so so sick. So Grandmama ran all around town while I nursed everyone and helped me pull off a fun celebration (fortunately on your big day everyone was finally WELL!)!! I even got the cake pulled together in a VERY short amount of time (don't look too close)!! We ate spaghetti for dinner and celebrated you that day and were so so thankful to be spending that special day with you!

Second Birthday

why is 'Bubba' wearing his PJ's??? I can't remember...hmm....he had a shirt that matched your dresses with a puppy dog on it...who knows? We got a call that morning that you weren't going to be at the house with us that day, we had to rearrange plans a bit (the joys of foster parenting). We had cupcakes and pumpkin waffles with cinnamon apples (one of your faves) after church that Sunday night so Grandmama and Papa could be with us! (you've just blown a kiss in the picture...that's your kisses face)!

at two you loved babydolls so this was just the perfect gift from G'mama and Papa...look at that smile!

you loved the steam sound on your iron!! You would push that button over and over (and over and over)

Today we will be thanking God for you once again...Since we aren't able to celebrate your 3rd year with you, we are spending the day together as a family...doing fun things to fill our day with smiles and prayers focused on you! We pray that you are having yet another HAPPY HAPPY b'day filled with smiles, love and laughter...and, of course, CAKE!!!

Christmas Wish

tonight was tough.... Cleaning up the kitchen from a yummy & fun relaxing dinner (a fabulous grilled pork tenderloin I bought on a good sale...ha ha!)
after a totally fun day of Christmas Crafts and T'giving fun

BAM!!

We don't know if it was the Christmas music I had playing (Thanks to online radio we've been prancing around the house to seasonal tunes a bit early around here) or what, but MaryKyle started sobbing...not just crying, but down right uncontrollable sobbing.

Apparently at that moment it hit her that Aaliyah would not be here for the holidays or to celebrate her 3rd b'day...

"but Mommy she has never done any of those things away from us!"

I of course could not contain my daily suppressed tears. Who could ??

John Mark was in the other room completing a project he'd started before dinner and he walked back into the kitchen and stopped in his tracks seeing the tears and says....

"what?!!" "Wh... What...what HAPPENED in here?!!!" (say it slowly & accentuate the 3rd "what" and "happened" a little more in your head and you've got it!)

So typical male -oh how I love that boy!

He WAS nice enough to go tell Daddy about the drama occurring in the kitchen downstairs
who was nice enough to then come and rescue me knowing how much I'm already struggling this season. Which allowed me to escape when I felt I could and get myself distracted and together before I lost it like MK beyond just a good tearfall...
I distracted myself by looking at old pictures of the last few Christmases...

I know, I know so sounds like the LAST think I should do to distract myself in such moments

But it makes me ever so happy to remember when I was truly parenting 3 children
(not just feeling like the parent of 3 children with only 2 here for me to protect).
Remembering when that beautiful little girl with the biggest most stunning smile graced the halls of this house with her whoops and hollers and giggles!!
It makes me smile...(and sometimes cry)
but tonight..tonight it made me SMILE!!

and then...at some point, the entire family ended up surrounding the laptop laughing at our little darling and her greatly missed antics! memories captured on film are such an incredible blessing!

Isn't she just the most adorable thing?

People sometimes say that "she might come back" It might shock some to know that I do not hope for that.

That would mean she would have something sad happen in her life and that is not what I want for her no matter how much I long to hold her again. This amazing child could draw all attention in a room to her...she could sing and laugh and dance and was just so full of smiles and joy!
I hope she is smiling right this very moment and belly roll laughing at next to nothing...
ooohhhh THAT's what I hope for her!!

That is my Christmas wish!

What's in a name??

Mommy, Aunt, Hey you????

Today the Mother of my youngest daughter called....yes the one that left two months ago. The last child we fostered and the child my heart yearns to hold and hug every single day, just about every minute. We built a relationship with her bio Mom over the two years we had her, we felt like that was in the best interest of our little girl. So she called today out of the blue just to see how we were holding up and how we are doing. Funny, when I got the message I didn't leap to call her back. Is that bad? But it was like making the choice to get back on a moving roller coaster or not. but then truly, how could we not?? in steps my knight in shining armor husband who immediately called her back for me!! But after chatting with him a few minutes, as was usual, she asked to talk to me. He explained I might not be able to talk, but I agreed to and now she is planning to have our beautiful little one call me on Mother's day she says. She has a visit with her on Sunday and said while she has her she will have her call us.

Sounds wonderful huh? But who do I say is on the phone?? Do I say "Hi Aaliyah it's Mommy" or what??? I have no idea......I don't want to upset anyone for fear I'll never hear her precious voice again. It's already been over two months since I've heard her, smelled her, or felt her.... MaryKyle the other day was crying because she said "I'm starting to forget what she sounded like"

So here we go....I don't know if she will really truly call or not....I could never ever ask for a better Mother's day gift...now if I can just stop dreaming of it and not allow myself to get too disappointed if she doesn't. Then if she does then what do you say when you have one more chance - maybe your last - to talk to your child??? yeah...no pressure....

thus is my life...sorry to post my ramblings.

"Stretcher Bearers" - who are yours??

My precious sister in law sent me a book that I rec'd today. The title is "When I Lay My Isaac Down" My sister in law lives with her husband in China. She loves our Aaliyah so very much and would take her as her own if she could. She is keenly aware of the pain we are enduring right now. So she offered what she could from across the oceans. I'm about halfway through now and hopefully will finish by tomorrow. One thing the author of the book talks about that has struck me is who are your "Stetcher Bearers?" Referring to the scriptures where friends of a lame man lift up his stretcher and carry him to Jesus. They lower him through the roof of a house to ensure that he gets to come before the Savior for help and healing.

In all honesty, I have a difficult time letting others in on our suffering & admitting to the pain that is being experienced in this house at present with the fear of our precious daughter being taken from us next week. On Sunday a friend apologized to me a few minutes after passing me in the hall and asking "how are you doing?" I hadn't really thought anything of it, but I appreciated so much her acknowledging that she was truly aware of what a pointless question that is right now. I have an old friend I've spoken to more often recently out of circumstance and each time we speak he asks "how's today?" or "how did you all make it through today?" etc It's hard to give a completely honest answer because I can't stand sounding as if I'm a downer all the time, I know though that he truly cares and wants to know. Each and every day someone says "I am praying for you" We appreciate these things so much.

This analogy of stretcher bearers just for some reason gave me the visual that I needed, I love it. That in my pain I am being lifted up and carried by my friends and family to the feet of the Savior.

So do you know who your stretcher bearers are? I pray you are blessed to have more than are needed for the poles of your stetcher like me!!
And then are you a stretcher bearer for others? I think I will look for more ways that I can be, I pray that I will make opportunities and be creative in my efforts to help others just as the friends of the lame man were!!